Motivate Yourself

A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost... She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :- "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." Man below replied :- "You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude." Lady :- "You must be an engineer." Man :- "How do you know?" Lady :- "Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost." Engineer :- "You must be in Top Management." Lady :- "Ya. How do you know?" Engineer :- "You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I g...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." "Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her...

A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He cud'nt control his curiosity n asked "Do u always carry ur TV remote with u?" She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.. .............. Moral : Accompany ur wife.... The story continues.... The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card.......... MORAL : Respect the hobbies of your husband. Story continues.... Wife took out his husbands credit card from purse and swiped. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card. Moral: Dont underestimate the power of a WIFE. 😎 Still continues... After swiping, the machine indicated 'ENTER OTP SENT TO YOUR MOBILE'. Moral: When Man tends to lose, machine is smart enough to save him! 😀 Still continues.... When she turn...

A King of a Kingdom called his Prime Minister and asked, like there are Brilliant people in his State will there be Idiots available? Minister said there will be. King then ordered his Minister to go around the State search and bring 5 of such Idiots and present to him in the Council. Minister was awestruck since you can identify brilliant people by conducting some form of competition, but how to identify Idiots. However he goes around the State and after a month comes back with 2 such people. There after following is the conversation between King and Minister. King: Dear Minister I think you are poor in counting, I asked for 5 people and you have brought only 2. Minister: Your Highness please let me explain and then you will know yourself. King: OK. Go ahead. Minister: When I was going around the State I found this guy carrying a huge Gunny Bag on his head and travelling in a Bullock Cart. When I asked he said that if he keeps the bag in the Cart it will be overloaded and hurt the Bu...

Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff. But then the teacher realized that only Little Johnny was left. "Johnny, do you have a story to share ?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy...

An employee was chatting on the web seriously with a lady called Amy. Manager walks into his cube and asks... Manager: Can you write me a program for sorting the float values. Employee (Steve): I am kind of busy with another job. I will be able to give you the complete program by tomorrow. .......Back to chat...... Steve: Sorry for late reply!!! My stupid boss was here. Amy: Bosses are really pain right? Steve: Yep!! They are pain in... Amy: Can you do me a favor darling. Steve: I am for you honey. Amy: Can you write me a program to sort float. Steve: Oh honey!! It's on my finger tips....Here you go. Amy: Dude!!! that is what I asked you at your cubicle.

Check your presence of mind. Take the test. Relax, clear your mind and begin, what's the 1st answer that comes to your mind??? Question 1 . What do you put in a toaster? Answer : Bread. If you said Toast, give up now and do something else... Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2. Question 2 . Say 'Silk' five times. Now spell 'Silk.' What do cows drink? Answer : Cows drink water. If you said 'Milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself by reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'Water,' proceed to question 3... Question 3 . If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'Green Bricks,' why the hell are you still...

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case. The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs. They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs. The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down. Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep! On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three... On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses. After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it...

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip...

There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada , where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.” The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.” The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried “You have ruined me!” The Irish actor was bewildered “What happened, did I forget my line? "No!...

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.' Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies: 1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick? 2. What now? Did you crash the car again? 3. I don't understand what you mean? 4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!! 5. ?!? 6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 7. Am I dreaming? ??????? 8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today.....

George, an elderly man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George,...

Husband: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!" The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good. The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?" "I did... They're in your fishing box !!!

A rich businessman walks down the street when he spots an old man sitting with a fishing rod next to a puddle, trying to get fish. The businessman takes pity on the old deranged man, and invited him to eat lunch with him at the coffee shop close by. After the meal, the businessman asks him with a smile: "So? Did you catch any fish today?" "Sure did," answers the old man, "You're my third one."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days. Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault, women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine just fine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his...

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7, 50. ” Well,” the beggar thinks, ” it’s still better than nothing.” A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5. ” What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. ” First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What’s the problem?” ” Well,” the man says, “ last year my eldest son went to university, it’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs”. ”This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further .” ” And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks. ” Four,” the man replies. ” Well,” says the beggar, “ I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense”.

Doreen, aged 79, finished all the shopping on her weekly list at Walmart supermarket. She walked determinedly towards her car which she had left in the car park. There she saw four youths about to drive away in her car. Doreen became agitated and dropping her shopping to the ground, she drew a handgun from her bag and screamed as loud as her lungs would allow at the four miscreants, "I have a gun and I know how to use it. Get out of the car you horrible little men." The four lads didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran helter-skelter as far away as they could, whereupon Doreen, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. As hard as Doreen tried she could not get her key into the ignition. Then it began to dawn on her why. She came across her own car a few moments later in another row near by. Putting her bags now, into her own car, she drove hesitantly to the nearest Police Stati...

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break ...